Blogging Basics

Preposterous Ponderings: Advice To Follow While Blogging:


1.Never drink and blog.
2.When you run out of things to blog about... blog about nothing.
3.RSS doesn't stand for Rich Site Summary it stands for Really Stupid Son-of-a-bitch!
4.Laugh like a fucking idiot while you read posts about things you normally wouldn't find funny.
5.When it's time for dinner direct the kids to the Poptart's in the cupboard.
6.Use all of your free time linking to other bloggers.
7.Comments are not a way of showing how popular you are. The lack there of ,however, shows nobody likes you.
8.It's not depression its Blogger Burnout.Seek treatment,go out and get a life.
9.Reading over your own damn post half a dozen times and thinking you are witty doesn't mean others will feel the same about it.So go kill yourself NOW!
10.The Blogosphere is not another planet in the solar system.
11.A Blogroll it that flap of fat hanging over your pants from sitting and reading blogs hours on end.
12.A Photoblog is another way to show the world how fugly you and your family truly are.
13.Never write so much to say so little.
14.The V in Vlog is short for virgin....because you are too addicted to blogging to get out and bump uglies with someone.
15.The blogger with the most widgets wins!
16.Follow all links with precaution. Unless you want to know what your mother has been up to when she's not at home.
17.Never blog about family members or co-workers. That is unless you want to find yourself thrown into a pool full of rabid alligators.
18.Blogware has nothing to do with fashion you dumbass.
19.Blogger is just another word for Bigfuckingloser.
20.Blogasm is a term referring to that little tickle you get in your tinkle while reading a risque post.
21.Meme's-Monkey See Monkey Do. Need I say more?
22.Announcing your 100th post only reminds me of how fucking bored you have made me.
23.The most important thing to remember while blogging is...My blog is better than yours!
24.There is no hope.You suck at blogging!
25.When all else fails blog about boogers,farts,and poop.

Snow Drivers

What is it about the first flurries of the year that make people think they have to get out and stock up on canned goods and other supplies?

It seems that the people who choose to do so are the same damn people who barely venture out in the summer, let alone on a slick road.

You know right away who they are because they are the ones with a death grip on their steering wheels and look as if they were a deer staring at headlights. They go so fucking slow that they would have been better off just walking to their destinations.

Then you have the assholes in the 4 wheel drives,which more than likely have a snow plow attached to the front, who think they are invincible to crashing. They zoom past the dwadlers splashing snow on their windshields. Thus causing more fear and an extra 5 mile per hour drop in speed.

I don't understand why more of them can't be like me. Off doing donuts in some remote parking lot or or trying to be the first one to leave tire tracks on a newly snow covered road.

Loud Fucking Sneezers

One thing that really crimps my nipples are loud sneezers. Now I'm not talking about the normal sounds that come with a sneeze.What I am talking about are the mother fuckers who have to add words and high pitched sounds to the damn things.

These are usually the same people who are rude enough not to turn their heads or cover their noses while they expel snot everywhere.Why would they? After all this would only muffle the annoying sound that spewed from their ugly ass face.

They don't seem to know what a tissue is for either.They'd much rather suck it back up a million and a half times.Thus, causing yet another teeth cringing audible noise.Not to mention the swallow that follows!

Annoying as hell I tell you!

I hope the next time someone lets out a sneeze like that anywhere near my person they end up giving birth to their colon!

Goddamn Chin Hair

I'll be a son-of-a-bitch if I didn't spot a chin hair while looking in the bathroom mirror after my shower last night.

It was not short or light in color.It was about an inch long and black as coal.Coarse too!

When I first laid eyes upon it I thought "Holy Fuck! I'm turning into my grandfather.I just hope I don't get his bushy ass eyebrows too!"

I took it between my thumb and forefinger and gave a quick tug. What do you know,that little fucker just curled. Now it looked like a pube hanging from my chin. Not that I haven't had actual pubes hanging from my chin ever before but that is another story in itself that I won't discuss right now.

Determined to get this bristle off my face I dug out a pair of tweezers.Squinted my eyes to see it and gave a tug.Missed the little fucker completely!

Now a section of my face was removed but the black strand of hair remained. After a few attempts I finally succeeded! Woohoo! No more chin hair.

If one of his cousins show up around my nipples I swear I will hold a torch to him.Nothing like crispy hair free nipples!

Silent Sex

Now I am sure all of the parents out there knew exactly what I was talking about just by reading the title.

To all of the childless people out there.Keep it that way...have no children! You'll never be able to express yourself like you want to when you have a wild romp in the sack.Trust me on this one!

Have you ever tried not to be noisy when you are having an orgasm so intense that the sheets and half the mattress are stuck up your ass because your cheeks are tightly clamped together? Let me tell you it is hard to do without breaking at least half a dozen blood vessels in your brain.

Try being quiet when your man is dining out between your thighs.As your teeth and lips clamp tightly together to hold back the moans so do your legs.Thus crushing his skull as your hands squeeze his head with a grip from hell that almost pops his eyes out at a rate of 100 miles per hour.

Being on top riding the love torpedo doesn't make it any easier to silence yourself either. In an attempt to keep all verbal noises in you tilt your head back and begin to pant heavily.In return you get so damn lightheaded you have to take a couple of noisy deep breaths to catch your composure. Shit! Did the kids hear that?

Does stuffing the tube steak in your mouth keep you quiet? Hell to the NO! It only causes you to make a pffffffffp type flapping sound when your lips vibrate across his ball sack as you release the pleasure poofs of air that escaped from around his meat that is down your throat.WTF!

So parents,either go get a room at some cheap hotel or buy your kids some pretty damn good ear plugs so you can enjoy yourselves for once.

I for one am sick and tired of having sore fucking ribs and lungs from trying to keep quiet.One reason the kids are going to Grandma's tonight...

The neighbors can feel free to turn their televisions up...or NOT!

Beauty Shop

Ladies I think you can relate to me on this one.

Why is it that we spend a ridiculous amount of time fixing our hair before going to the beauty shop? I mean doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of us going in the first place?

We waste our time doing this because the minute we get there we are immediately shuffled to the damn wash basins.

The last time I went all the beautician did was gab about how she was out partying the night before. This had me a bit worried as she was about to style my fucking hair.

To top things off she cracked her gum the whole time.This is one of my biggest pet peeves.I dare not say a word or do anything to piss her off as she had the upper hand in this situation.She was holding the scissors just inches from my head.

There are some weird ass processes they have out there these days.I got my hair highlighed. In order to color your hair they have to wrap squares of aluminum foil around the strands of hair that are being colored.Not only did I look like a fool but I could have sworn I picked up signals from an alien spaceship.

Not to mention the fact that she placed me under a hot dryer.I not only looked like but I felt like a fucking baked potato.

I am not happy with the fact that I can never seem to fix my hair like they do either.I try and try but my results turn out nothing like the way they were able to style it.

I suppose that is why after spending many hours and big bucks to have my hair done I still tend to revert back to placing my sunglasses in my hair to pull it away from my face.

Quick fix!

Hair Today Gone Tomorrow

Due to the fact that is has been well over a month since I last "mowed the lawn" AND my recent complaint about pads and pubic hair pulling...I decided it was time to take out the weed wacker and give the vajayjay a much needed trim. TMI? Perhaps, but it will all make sense soon enough.Stay with me!

Right before my bath earlier today I took out my brand spanking new bottle of chemical hair remover.Although there was a warning on the back about avoiding gentitals I still squeezed out a huge glob of it on my hand and proceeded to spread it all over my cooter bug. Waited a few minutes and then hopped my fat ass into the shower.

I decided to let it do it's magic a bit longer so I washed and conditoned the hair on my head and cleansed my body.Skipping the pink part.I was saving it for last. he he

Just as I was about to rinse the miracle cream off the lady lips the fucking water turned cold.Not below room temperature cold but ice water cold! I rinsed and washed sister sweet pooter fast as lightening and shut the water off.

I stepped out of the shower, dried my body,turned around to grab my clothes and got a glimpse of myself in the full length mirror.

WHAT THE HELL!!!!!

Between my legs there appeared to be a cancer patient undergoing intense chemo treatments.WTF?! Patches of hair here and there amongst the smooth bald spots.Lovely! No hope of me having tube steak smothered in shorts tonight!!! Damnit!

Apparently some water rinsed away the cream too soon.That or the cold water screwed up the chemical reaction that was suppose to take place.

I had no time to trim it up with the electric razor as we were already running late for an appointment.I prayed the whole time we were in the car that we wouldn't be in an accident. Imagine the look on the medical staffs faces if they were to get a load of the creature between my loins.

Turns out our hot water tank took a dump on us.We now have to have a new one installed.So I can't even reapply the bye bye pubic hair stuff until they get the tank up and going.Those bastards best make it quick or I will flash them and give them nightmares for the rest of their damn lives.

Does anyone know if there is a place that sells weaves for pubes?